I come from a world were I always, ALWAYS felt inferior. I'm short, I have freckles, I was once very skinny. I have red hair, pale skin that have never known a tan that wasn't painted or sprayed on. Even then, it was never much of a tan.
I come from a childhood where the above mentioned were faults.....my siblings were prettier and taller and darker and bolder and more athletic and everything I wasn't. I was always made fun of because I was smart, such a failing, I know. I was always the friend that had to be fixed up because all of my friends got the attention. I never really felt good enough to be close to someone. I've pretty much carried this into and through my adulthood. I was always the admirer, not the admired. So I believed...
We now live in the age of electronics. Society has invented a plethora of communication devices and programs that are used for various phases of unity. We have web cams and social societies that help us find people we haven't thought of in years or people we've carried in our hearts through the years but lost touch with. I first signed up with Classmates and Reunion and never made much of a splash, was contacted by an old acquaintance here and there; nothing momentous. Then, on a whim, after a sleepless night and a glass (bottle?) of wine I created my FaceBook account, not expecting much from that either. Lo and behold.
First came along Mark. My first french kiss when I was 14. My on again off again boyfriend until graduation. He and I have "heard of" each other through the years because our brothers are best friends. He's now married to my junior high and high school BF Cheryl. We stay in touch and I do his taxes. We're planning on getting together with our families this summer. There have been a few others since then that I've enjoyed talking too, but Mark has been the most significant. I just never knew that he felt so much for me as he's expressed since we've been back in touch. I mean, me? I actually mattered and still do, 20 odd years later. What really blew my mind is that HE remembered that kiss. Hmmm. New feeling for me.
Last week I opened my facebook and my baby sister, whom I haven't spoken with in 9 years or so because we're hardheaded, had dropped me a note. Well, I can't tell you the emotions there either. She, too, told me how much I've always meant to her and how she's felt empty not having me in her life. I have three beautiful neices and the handsomest nephew. But I have my sister again, who wanted to find me. Hmm. Hard to express that. I'm still in shock. I just never knew.
About a week ago I do my usual come home, check the mail routine. I notice this envelope that has this vaguely familiar chicken scratch on it. I looked at the return name and address and almost fainted. I dropped all the mail in the middle of my driveway and just stood there. Could it be? No, really, could it?
I took two days to open the envelope. I picked it up so many times that it was getting wrinkled and soiled. Finally I mustered the courage to open it. Inside was a small typewritten letter from someone that had so impacted and imprinted my life 22 years ago. The one person I actually felt close to and shared so much of my early adulthood with. The girl who was my opposite in many ways but was one of the few people in my life that I've ever truly missed. My room-mate and best friend from the Marine Corps. Intense!!! The memories we've run through over the last few days, the laughs. I'm even going to visit her in a few weeks. She contacted me. Looked for me. Found me. Spent $7 to do it (she made sure to tell me that). Let me state this again: She looked for me and found me. She missed me. She thought about me. Hang on, getting choked up. This woman is my only bio-child's Godmother, the only person I could imagine loving my child like I do. She was the person that was there when I had my baby. True, she ran a red light getting me to the hospital to give birth but I've long since forgiven that. My mind is still doubting that this is reality. Please, Father in Heaven above, if this is only a dream, please do not awaken me.
Someone, several someones, actually felt me worthy of them. Me, the short freckled girl with the pale skin (although not quite so skinny but hey, I have a nice butt and boobs now). Mind blowing for me. Blessings for me. Suddenly that "poorness" I've felt all of my life has turned into this immense, incomparable feeling of richness, belonging. Hmmm. After all these years, I just never knew....